Part of growing up is pulling away from our parents, letting go of our dependency on them. We stand on our own feet and find out what happens when we fall. We make decisions and learn from our mistakes. Our parents watch, their hearts in their hands. They try to balance the desire to protect us against their dream of seeing us make our own place in the world.

Usually, in the quest for independence, kids push their parents aside. But when a family member has a disability, they may never push mom and dad out of the way. The need for support is great and the world may not be welcoming. Letting go of someone who is dependent can feel like an unnatural act. But in the order of life, parents usually die before their children, so letting go will happen whether we plan for it or not.

“I think it’s important for us to face our own mortality,” Kathleen Jordan says. Kathleen is the mother of Chris, a young man with multiple disabilities. The Ties That Bind film documentary tells the story of how their family is planning for Chris’s future. You can read about the Jordans in the “Storyline” section of this website. Kathleen and her husband Bill are retirement age and have been having health problems. Chris lives with them. As Kathleen says, “He needs us and we’re with him all the time. So that dependency, at the moment, is being nurtured forever.”

Friendship is one of the things that make pulling away from our parents possible. Friends give us a place to belong, and they give us the chance to explore who we are. Al Etmanski is one of the co-founders of an organization called PLAN. In an interview for the documentary, Al says, “Our friends draw us into other orbits and out of the orbit of our mom and dad. And what we’ve seen is that often doesn’t happen for people with disabilities.“

Even though Chris Jordan is outgoing, friendship outside of his family and close support workers is more complicated for him. He has limited mobility and limited vision, so going out requires planning and assistance. His mother began an offshoot of PLAN called Lifetime Networks Ottawa. The Jordans are working with Chris to create a network of friends who can help support him when they’re not around.

Chris’s brother and sister are key members of this network. The friendships he shares with them are central to his well being. Siblings often play an important role in helping develop and maintain networks.

Letting go is as much of a challenge for Chris as it is for his parents. His brother and sister are finding it difficult too. Planning for a time when their parents won’t be around is emotional and full of uncertainties. While letting go is in everyone’s best interest, it presents tough challenges, especially for Chris who relies heavily on his mom and dad. Letting go means finding new routines, accepting that nothing will be perfect, and trusting that workable solutions can be found.

A parent and a co-founder of PLAN, Vickie Cammack knows that letting go is hard work for everyone. “Think about your teenage years,” she says, “think about the terrible twos, that’s all about letting go. It’s tumultuous, it’s uncomfortable, it’s a change in the dynamic.”